This

She knew which way to cut.

She also knew that the second-to-last thirty seconds are the unbearable ones, not the final slow pulses, but those screaming, heart-beating ones-- so she hit the phone buttons before that.

I stare at the double wounds that show through the bandage wrap, not jagged at all, but stretching long and parallel to blue veins, veins so near the surface, very visible lines to trace.

She knew which way to cut to make it mean something.

Her voice, low on those sad days, made my hands shake. The greyness over her three o'clock sleeping body had me staring angry, then paled, into that empty space. How warm her head would still be, how soft beneath my palm, was always enough to break me.

So this... well, this near killed me.

How very quiet it is in here. Two... drugged with chemicals, drugged with grief, one synthetic, one mercilessly natural. I trace my finger down her forearm, slowly, lightly, a different language for the two of us here. My finger lifts up, passes over the bandage, comes down on the other side. I trace across the palm of her hand, past her thumb, along her finger, first joint, second joint, then fingertip to fingertip. I don't know if I am trying to make her feel this contact, this continuity, or trying to assure myself that she is in one piece. I rest my fingers in the quiet cup of her palm and breathe.I slip off the chair onto the floor and lean my head back against the bed. Above my head, I grasp her hand in both of mine, rest her palm on the top of my head, and close my eyes. How very still the world can be.

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(to be posted)

> Passion in My Pocket, 1993-2008 [blog/memoir/musical] (in progress)

> A Really Good Book [a coming out story] (coming 2009)

> “Bitch Slap for Pride” [commentary] published – New York City Pride Guide 2007

> “Pride from the Inside” published – NYC Pride Guide 2007 [essay]

> letter re: The F-Word “faggot” [letter to Ed.] published – The Advocate magazine, 2007

> letter re: Angelina Jolie’s activism & book [letter to Ed.] published – The Advocate, 2007

> “Love’s Kind of Family” [mock TV script]
“Lasting”

both published – Showtime.com’s “the L word” contest, 2006

> Beauty & the Beast: The Poetry [from the TV show] self-published, 1988

> “The Dead Thread” [protest piece] (2004)

> “This” [short fiction] (2005)

> “New York City Groupie” [ode] (2006)

> We Are… (a.k.a. Face the Truth) [photos and profiles of courage]
The Everyday Extraordinary Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Person (tbd)

They call us sinners, perverts, pedophiles, criminals, deviants, mentally ill, biological errors. This is who we really are.

> A Piece of Peace of Mind™ [on bipolar disorder] (tbd)
Goal: To follow in the footsteps of Kay Redfield Jamison, Lauren Slater, and Lana Castle

> Poked in the Eye with Reason [hazards of my profession, sign language interpreting] (tbd)

> I Said It, No One Read It [publishing your rejected op/ed submissions, along with original articles] (tbd)

> Because of You, There is Pasta in My Shoe [animal antics] (tbd)

> Barbecue and Bugs: A Questionnaire [like one of those e-mail questionnaire forwards, but quirky and one of a kind]

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